


13 Woodcutter Road

by Laurawrzz



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Doctor Whump, Domestic, Drama, Gen, Humor, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-14
Updated: 2012-12-04
Packaged: 2017-11-20 07:14:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/582703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurawrzz/pseuds/Laurawrzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor and Donna are left stuck on Earth and Jack organises a temporary residence while the TARDIS heals. But while Donna thinks he's going mad with boredom, the Doctor is convinced that something very strange is going on in Woodcutter Road.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Busted

Chapter 1 – Busted

Torchwood was having an extremely slow day. Captain Jack Harkness was in his office pretending to fill out some paperwork, when all he was really doing was waiting for the phone to ring. He wanted something to investigate and recently the aliens seemed to be taking a break from invading.

He sighed, leaning back in his seat. He checked his phone. He had no texts. Then he checked his email. No email. Then his phone again. Nothing.

Five seconds passed. He checked his phone again.

Then thankfully, suddenly he heard something from below, a weird kind of groaning, churning... It was the TARDIS!

In a flash he was out the door and down the steps, arriving just in time to see the TARDIS door burst open and the Doctor and Donna tumble out in a billow of smoke, coughing and choking. The second they were out the door slammed closed and there was a resounding  _click!_

"What..." Jack began, looking at the Doctor and Donna coughing in front of him.

"What the bloody hell did you do that for?" Donna coughed out.

"Sorry," the Doctor croaked between coughs. "Emergency landing."

"Something wrong with the TARDIS?" Jack wondered, staring at them both as they came to the end of their coughing fit.

"Thought I'd take a shortcut through an electromagnetic storm," the Doctor began, rubbing his chest. "Then everything started going a bit bonkers so I emergency landed and she gave us a nudge out."

"A nudge?" Donna repeated cynically. "Last time I was forced out of a place that quick I was drunk in a Bingo hall."

"Well, okay then," the Doctor conceded. "More of a... err... shove. She must've damaged her systems..." He moved to the TARDIS door to test. It didn't open. He tried the key, but that didn't work either.

"She's locked herself," the Doctor summarised, caressing the wooden exterior gently.

"What? What does that mean? Can't we get in?" Donna asked after she'd managed to finish coughing.

"It means she's completely busted."

Donna looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "... Busted."

The Doctor shrugged, sniffing. "That's the technical term, I think. She got a bit damaged in that electromagnetic storm, she's deadlocked herself so she can heal herself in peace."

"How long until she's healed?" Donna wondered. "Couple of hours? A day?"

"Err..." The Doctor's brow furrowed as he sucked in a long, deep breath, looking as though he might be thinking about it when really he was just trying to bring himself to say it. "...A week?"

"A  _week?"_ Donna shrieked in complete disbelief.

"Two weeks?" the Doctor muttered.

" _Two weeks?"_  she roared in his face.

"Three?" he squeaked.

" _Three bloody weeks?_ What the hell we gonna do? Where are we gonna sleep?"

The Doctor scratched the back of his head, pulling a face. "Err..."

"Well..." began a voice from beside them, completely forgotten in the moment. "There is one option."

"Of course!" Donna realised. "Torchwood! Have you lot got a bath?"

"Actually," Jack began. "There's no room, here. Torchwood's err... not really a hotel. But!" he started again just as Donna opened her mouth. "I could easily get you guys a house in Cardiff for a while until the TARDIS heals."

The Doctor and Donna looked at each other.

"An actual  _house?"_ the Doctor reiterated. "With doors and carpets and a boiler and a catflap?"

"Yeah, one of those," Jack replied, laughing.

"But..."

"Oh, stop complaining, time boy," Donna said with a sigh. "I'm not gonna live with you if all you're gonna do is moan, moan, moan."

The Doctor sighed a very lengthy sigh indeed.

* * *

They had the number thirteen house on a place called Woodcutter Road in Cardiff. Jack had driven them there, dropping them off outside and giving them the key. He had then reminded them seriously that the family who owned the house were on holiday to return in three weeks and if they even cracked a plate they would have to replace it themselves, and left.

The Doctor was now standing in the bathroom doorway, leaning on the side with his arms folded and blowing out a long breathy sigh.

"This is the bath," Donna was saying, pointing at the bath. "These little handles are called the taps. Taps give us water. This one's hot, and this one's cold..."

"Finished?" the Doctor wondered seriously.

"And this little thing," she held up the plug. "It's called a plug. You put it in this hole if you wanna have a bath." She pointed to the hole.

"Donna..." the Doctor began, but was again ignored.

"Now, this is a toilet," Donna continued regardless. "I dunno if you use one of these being an alien and all that, but this is where you do your business. Then you wipe your arse with this loo roll here, then you pull this handle and it flushes it away..."

"Donna!" the Doctor said loudly, and finally she decided to pay attention to him. "I know how to use a bathroom, all right?"

"I'm just house-training you, time boy," Donna told him seriously with a patronising smile.

The Doctor sighed, throwing up his hands and skipping two-at-a-time down the stairs without a word. Donna laughed a little to herself and made after him down into the living room.

"Wanna order in?" she wondered as he dropped onto the sofa, arms and legs splayed.

"What's an... order in?" the Doctor queried.

"Yeah, you know, order in," Donna told him. "You know... like chinese."

"Chinese?"

"You've never had chinese?"

"Umm... No."

"Err... Do you like chicken?"

"Yep."

"Rice?"

"What kind of rice?"

"... Ricey... kinda... rice."

"What does that mean?"

"White rice?"

"There are loads of types of white rice, Donna..."

"Okay, okay, do you like ribs?"

The Doctor frowned at that. "What, you mean bone? Rib bone? Humans eat bone?"

Donna sighed despairingly. "Oh for god's sake. How about pizza, then? You ever eaten pizza?"

"Of course," the Doctor replied indignantly. "Yeah, let's have pizza. Get two ham and pineapple."

"One each?" Donna asked seriously. "I can't manage a whole pizza."

"I meant two for me," the Doctor replied seriously.

Donna stared at him, considering his bony form. "How the hell are you so thin?" she asked seriously, then went back out the door to get the phone.

The Doctor sighed, leaning back on the sofa. He wondered what he was supposed to do now.

"Turn on the TV already!" Donna yelled from the hallway, and the Doctor jumped to attention, considering the television in the corner for a moment before getting up and moving over to it, staring at the buttons. He hefted his bets on the big button and pressed it, and suddenly a red light came on the TV. He frowned a little, picking up a remote and hammering a few buttons. It didn't do anything.

"Turn on. On. Command, on," the Doctor tried, but nothing happened. "Power. I authorise power. On. On. On!"

"What the hell are you doing?" came a voice from the doorway and the Doctor looked up to see Donna there, the phone pressed against her ear.

"It's not working," the Doctor told her.

"It's on standby, you moron," Donna told him, reaching for a remote on the table she was standing next to and pressing the button. The TV suddenly sparked into life to show the six o'clock news.

"Oh," the Doctor muttered, looking at the remote in his hand.

"Use that one to change channels," she told him, sighing again. "God, these three weeks are gonna be bloody long," she muttered, then turned her attentions to the phone. "Yes, hello, I'd like two medium Hawaiians and a medium Supreme please..."

The Doctor did seriously wonder for a moment  _why_  exactly she was ordering two people from the northernmost island group of Polynesia in an archipelago in the central Pacific Ocean before he realised that was probably the name of the pizza. So he got up and went back to the sofa, flicking through the channels until he found something called, 'Come Dine With Me'.

"On their way," Donna's voice suddenly said, walking back into the room and catching what was on TV. "Oooh, I love this show!"

The Doctor put the remote down as Donna sat on the sofa beside him, grabbing the remote and turning up the volume. Then she drew back, and stared at the TV.

He looked at the TV, then back at Donna.

Silent seconds passed.

"Donna," he began.

"What?"

"What do we do now?" he asked seriously.

"Watch TV," she told him.

"... Just sit and stare?" he asked.

"Yep."

The Doctor looked back at the TV, and stared at it...

" _Come on, Angie, your guests have been waiting for thirty minutes!"_

He looked back at Donna. "Donna, I'm bored."

She sighed heavily, leaning forward to the table and taking the newspaper, shoving it into his hands. "There. Now shut up, I'm watching this."

He speed-read through the newspaper from front to back in five seconds. Then he got to the puzzle section, penning in every answer in about forty-five seconds. Then he folded the paper and gave it back to Donna.

"Done. Bored again," he told her.

She sighed, looking at him, then looking away. "Go and make some tea."

"Okay!" the Doctor replied, jumping off of the sofa and running to the kitchen. In two minutes he was back, giving her a flowery mug and dropping back on the sofa. Then he drank down the tea in four gulps, then set it down on the side.

He looked back at the TV. Then at Donna again.

"Donna..."

"Go and run around the garden a hundred times," she ordered him.

He went to laugh at that, but then realised she was serious. "What?"

"Run around the garden!" Donna yelled without moving her eyes from the TV. The Doctor quickly got up and ran over to the back door, struggling with the lock for a moment before whipping out the sonic and pulling it open, closing it behind him and started running around the garden.

Donna sighed contentedly, curling up on the sofa and sipping at her tea for ten minutes. Then the back-door opened again and the Doctor ran back in.

"No!" Donna said loudly, still staring at the TV. "You only did 50, I was watching you. Go and do 100 all over again."

"Donna!" the Doctor protested. "I definitely did..."

"Go and do 100!" Donna yelled at him, and in a flash he was back out the door again.

Come Dine With Me ended just as the Doctor got back in, this time slightly out of breath. Then the doorbell went.

"I'll get it!" he yelled and ran off to the front door.

* * *

It had been an  _extremely_  long night. Donna had had to constantly order the Doctor things to do. She'd finally managed to get him settled down by giving him task of completely taking apart the DVD player and reassembling it. By the time he was done it was half 11, and Donna conceded to bed. She had bagsied the room with the double bed of course, leaving the Doctor with the single room. She didn't expect him to use it.

And she was right. At 4am she awoke suddenly to a loud crash somewhere in the house. She sat up in shock, blinking erratically.

"Doctor?" she yelled.

"Yeah?" came the shout back.

"Did you just break something?"

"... No!" the Doctor's voice came back after a moment.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

Donna knew he was lying, but she was too tired to care at the moment. She'd yell at him in the morning.

She turned over and snuggled up under the duvet, closing her eyes again.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, the Doctor was standing in front of the collapsed cupboard and the smashed worktop, wondering just how in the universe he was going to fix this before Donna woke up.

* * *

"Good morning!" the Doctor greeted Donna as she appeared in the hallway at 10 o'clock in a morning daze. "D'you want an omelette?"

Donna stopped halfway through a yawn, staring at him with a slight frown. He was standing there at the cooker with a sizzling saucepan, with eggs and cheese on the side and a spatula in his hand.

She blinked. "You... You know how to make an omelette?"

The Doctor shrugged with a sniff. "I've picked up a few things."

Donna shrugged this off, and nodded. "Yeah, I'll have an omelette... what did I hear breaking last night?"

"Breaking?" the Doctor echoed. "You must've dreamt it."

"No, I definitely... Hold on!" The Doctor winced as he realised she'd found the kitchen worktop. "What's this crack? Was that there before?" she demanded to know.

"Yes, it was," the Doctor lied.

"And this cupboard... What's wrong with the door?"

"Nothing!" he insisted.

Donna stared at him with piercing eyes.

"Okay, okay," he caved. "The cupboard door was squeaking so I thought I'd sort it out, but the sonic was on the wrong setting and the door came off which nearly hit me, and I grabbed for the cupboard to stop myself falling over which came down with me and landed on the worktop... Cracking it in half."

"Oh, bloody hell," Donna muttered, hand on her forehead.

"But I fixed it! See? Good as new!" he said and knocked on the wood to demonstrate, just as the cupboard shifted on the wall and suddenly collapsed, narrowly missing Donna but landing directly on the Doctor's head who yelped and disappeared under a tide of plywood and packets of food.

Donna shrieked and helped the slightly dazed and covered with crisps Doctor out of the carnage, steadying him on his feet. Then the fire alarm started going off and Donna realised with absolute horror the saucepan with the omelette in was now on fire. She quickly put it out with a towel and calmed herself down, staring at the Doctor standing there in the pile of plywood with vacant eyes looking around the room, hand on his head.

"Okay, just... don't try and fix squeaks or cook breakfast!" Donna told him seriously. The Doctor hummed in a vague notion of agreement before stepping back out into the hall, and quite casually he collapsed backwards onto the carpet in a dead faint.


	2. The Doctor Plays Football

"Yep, he's broken most of the kitchen and set a pan on fire, now he's lying on the sofa knocked out by plywood... I think he's just really bored... Oh, could you? Thanks, Jack... Okay, I'll see you in a bit."

Donna hung up the phone, and looked at the unconscious Time Lord she'd managed to drag to the sofa, just in time for him to groan, shift into consciousness and blink his eyes repeatedly.

"Good morning," she said, looking down at him as he looked at her. His brow furrowed, hand going to his head.

"What..." he began.

"The cupboard you fixed fell on you," Donna told him.

"Oh," the Doctor replied, struggling to sit up. "Ow, my head."

"Want some tea?" she asked.

"Yes, please," he said, managing to get himself sitting upright.

"Try not to break anything," she said seriously. He pulled a face at her back as she left out the door.

* * *

The doorbell rang about twenty minutes later. Donna went to get it, opening it to reveal Jack standing there holding a cardboard box full of items.

"Here," Jack said, handing the box to Donna. "That'll keep him occupied for a while."

"Thanks," Donna said, taking the box and struggling under its weight.

"Apart from him messing everything up, how are you finding it?" Jack wondered.

"Well, we've only been here a day and he's made it feel like a week," Donna confessed.

Jack laughed. "Call me if you need anything."

"We will," Donna replied, and Jack left back down the path again to the Torchwood SUV. Donna sighed in contentment of just how gorgeous he was before she kicked the door closed and walked to the kitchen where the Doctor was in the midst of repairing the cupboard, this time slowly, carefully and thoroughly.

"Doctor!" she said, and he looked up to see her standing in the door-frame. "Jack brought some stuff around for you that he needs doing."

"Oooh!" the Doctor exclaimed and scrambled to his feet, taking the box and setting it down on the only unbroken worktop, pulling out a note.

**Dear Doctor,  
**

**1\. Please assemble this 10 000 piece jigsaw and draw the image of what it actually is on the front of the box as it's driving Ianto mad.**

**2\. Please build my 25th century 'Build Your Own Robot Elephant', then disassemble it and write the intructions to build it, as it's missing the instructions and the correctly-sized screwdriver.**

**3\. Please solve my 13-dimensional Rubix Cube as I'm completely stuck and I want the prize inside.**

**4\. Please take apart and clean every component of my 30th century micro-computer as it's stopped working from the dust.**

**5\. Please find out the 12-digit code of this alien lock as I cannot turn off the weapon without it.  
**

**Thanks! Jack xxx**

"Aww, he left you kisses," Donna remarked, peeking over the Doctor's shoulder.

"Is this a ploy just to get me to shut up for a while?" the Doctor wondered.

"Not at all!" Donna insisted with an innocent smile. "You know I love your company, but you know, Jack needs stuff doing."

He looked at her with a raised eyebrow, but grinned anyway. "Well, if Jack needs help doing his jigsaw..."

* * *

Donna revelled in the peace and quiet as for two days straight the Doctor sat at the kitchen table meticulously slaving over the 10,000 piece jigsaw until he'd finished it and drawn the picture of a supernova on the front of the blank box complete with colour.

Then for the next three days Donna had woken up each morning to find a large robot elephant slowly taking shape in the living room with hundreds of tiny metal components scattered around on the floor. As a week of them living in the house passed, the elephant was complete and Donna had been awoken rather rudely at 8am to the sound of a quite terrifyingly realistic elephant trumpeting. It took him another day to dismantle it, before then he moved onto the 13-dimensional Rubix Cube and had it done in twelve hours for a little plastic toy figure of Goofy to drop out of the middle as a prize.

Donna was getting pretty nervous that he was nearly at the end of the list and they had only been in the house for eight days out of 21. Another day and he had taken apart and cleaned the micro-computer with absolutely tiny chips and components, then another 12 hours to clean them and put them back together.

Then he cracked the code of the lock as they came to the end of the eleventh day, put everything back into the box and dropped down onto the sofa at 5pm that evening still with ten days to go.

"Donna, I'm bored," he moaned.

"Oh for god's sake, Doctor," Donna said with a sigh, tearing herself away from Friends to look at him. "Look, I'm not your mum, and you've clearly got some kinda syndrome so really you just gotta find something to amuse yourself, all right?"

He sighed. "Fine," he said. He sat there for a moment longer staring at the TV, then got up. "I'm just gonna take a walk," he said, then left out the front door before she could react.

* * *

There didn't seem to be anyone around apart from a little boy playing with a football by himself in the neighbouring garden as the Doctor stepped out into the front garden, looking around with interest. The boy caught sight of him, and instantly stopped playing.

"You're not Mr Benton," he observed with a frown.

"Yeah, he's on holiday, me and my friend are living in his house for a while," the Doctor replied, smiling. The boy was quite bony with oversized clothes hanging loosely on his frame, with messy bright red hair and brown eyes. Quite a rare combination. He was probably about ten-years-old. "So you live next to us? What's your name?"

"I'm Alfie," the boy told him, fiddling with his football in his hands. "Who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor."

"Doctor who?"

"Just the Doctor."

"... That's weird," Alfie told him straight.

"Yes, it is," the Doctor agreed, just as the sound of a car pulling out came from behind him and he looked over his shoulder to see a blue Ford five houses down reverse out.

"Do you want to play football with me?" Alfie asked when the Doctor looked back around, holding up his ball.

The Doctor shrugged. He didn't exactly have anything else to do. "Of course," he said with a beaming smile, clambering over the fence that was between them to land in the boy's front garden.

"I can do five keepy-uppys at a time," Alfie told him proudly.

"Let's see," the Doctor said.

Alfie nodded, dropping the ball onto the ground before kicking it up in the air. Then it bounced onto his knee, then it flew away and rolled off into the bush.

With no hesitation Alfie ran off to retrieve the ball. After a few seconds Alfie came back and tried again, but it rolled off and the Doctor caught it with his feet.

"I did it earlier!" Alfie said lamely.

"I'll believe you," the Doctor replied, grinning.

"How many keepy-uppys can you do?" Alfie asked.

"Err... Maybe two, if I'm lucky," the Doctor told him, picking up the ball from his feet and looking it over.

"Come on, let's see," Alfie said.

"You may want to stand back because I'll probably break something," the Doctor said seriously, before setting the ball on the ground. He stepped forward and kicked it up with his back heel, moving to kick it with his right foot as it came down. Then he hit it with his right knee, then his left, then caught it in his right foot. He lifted the ball with a flick into the air, caught it behind his neck, pushed it back up again, headed it four times, caught it in his foot again and then flicked it up to his hands.

Alfie stared at him in the ensuing silence, his jaw agape. "You're  _really_  good!"

Then Doctor looked just as surprised at himself. "I had... no idea I could do that," he said, looking at the ball in his hands.

"Let's have a match," Alfie said, moving forward to take the ball from him. "My goal line is the pot and yours is where that gnome is," Alfie said, pointing at each in turn. "No other rules, first to 50! And I promise I won't cry if I lose."

"Oh, I wouldn't count on me winning," the Doctor assured him with a laugh, and they began the game.

* * *

Donna came out of the house and hour later, wondering where the hell the Doctor had got to, but it only took a second until she heard the Doctor's strangled cry and a boy's shrieking laughter and she looked over the fence.

The Doctor was sprawled face-down on the ground absolutely covered in mud, and a small red-haired boy giggling and pointing at him.

"I call foul!" the Doctor protested, pushing himself up and spitting mud out of his mouth.

"Referee rules... play on!" Alfie said delightedly, dribbled the ball to the goal line and kicked it over, retrieved the ball, kicked it over again, and again, and again...

"48-45! 48-46! 48-47! 48-48! 48-49! 48-50! I win!" Alfie declared, picking up the ball and running around the front garden in a lap of honour. The Doctor choked out the last of the mud, before looking up at Donna.

"Dinner'll be ready in ten minutes, my darling son," Donna joked.

"Coming, Mum," the Doctor replied sarcastically, finally getting upright just in time for Alfie to crash into him and nearly send him flying back down again.

"Wanna play again?" Alfie asked eagerly, holding up the ball.

"Not now," the Doctor replied. "I'm going to go and eat now. I'll see you some other time, okay?"

Alfie looked a little disappointed, but conceded and grinned. "Okay!" he said, then waved good bye and ran off into his house just at the Doctor vaulted over the fence to land beside Donna.

"You're absolutely covered in mud, have a wash first else you'll get mud all down the sofa," Donna said sternly.

"Yes, Mum," the Doctor replied sardonically.

"Would've thought football wouldn't be on an alien hobby list," Donna said as they neared their front door.

"Neither me, but I'm actually quite good," the Doctor said proudly. "I had no idea!"

Donna sighed, rolling her eyes as she stepped inside the front door. The Doctor heard a car and looked up in its direction, slightly surprised to see the blue Ford five houses down reversing out again. He could've sworn he'd never actually heard it come back...

Oh well. He shrugged it off, and followed Donna inside.


	3. The Problem With Monopoly

_Click, click, click, click_ the small metal hat sounded as the Doctor moved it four places across the Monopoly board onto Fleet Street, then drew his hand away.

"I'll buy that," the Doctor said, lying on his front with his chin in one hand, counting out the money.

"What?" Donna practically shrieked, eyes firing up. "You  _know_ I'm collecting that set! That's so unfair!"

"Donna, it's the rules of the game," the Doctor insisted innocently.

"You've already got most of the others and I don't have hardly any!"

"That's because you never  _bought_ anything."

"Because I never  _landed_ on anything!"

"You've landed on  _loads!"_

"Loads that I didn't want like Old-bloody-Kent Road!"

"You landed on Mayfair!" the Doctor exclaimed.

"That's like one square in loads that never gets landed on and I wanna save my money for proper sets!" Donna snapped in return.

" _You_ just  _landed_ on it!" the Doctor pointed out.

"And paid bloody £600 to you which wasn't what I needed!"

"Then roll the dice better!"  
 _  
"Oh!"_  Donna practically shrieked. "Because I can bloody control  _physics_ can't I?"

"Do you want some of my money? I've got loads."

"I'm not taking your dumb money  _stupid_ alien boy!" Donna screamed, red in the face.

The Doctor sighed. "Maybe we shouldn't play this anymore..."

"Too damn right we're not! It's a stupid game with stupid rules!" Donna yelled, threw up the board and slammed it down onto the carpet.

For a moment they just sat in silence, houses and pieces and money and cards everywhere.

"... Trivial Pursuit?" the Doctor wondered, looking at the next game in the pile.

"I'm gonna get lunch," Donna snapped, and left the room. The Doctor sighed, falling forward to lay flat face down on the floor. Getting angry at Monopoly seemed to be a very human thing. Rose had thrown the board at him when she was losing and Jack had had his hand over his gun holster more times that had been comfortable.

It was now nine days until the end of their living here and since he had completed all of Jack's tasks he was monumentally bored again. So Donna had found some board games and so far it wasn't going very well, and it wasn't even 1 o'clock yet.

He sighed, collecting up the Monopoly bits and put them back into the box. Then he dropped down onto the sofa, and stared at the blank TV screen. Then he looked out the window through the net curtains and the car of the opposite house pulled out and drove off. At least  _they_ had something to do.

Then he looked back at the blank TV, then at the table next to him, and his eyes connected with the phone. Then he decided to phone Jack, picking up the phone and dialling the number on the slip of paper next to it before holding it to his ear.  
 _  
"Hello?"_

"Jack!" the Doctor greeted happily.  
 _  
"Hey, Doc!"_  Jack replied.  _"How's the stuff I left coming along?"_

"Did it all," the Doctor replied with a sniff.

_"Already?"_

"Yeah."  
 __  
"Doctor, that was supposed to last you the three weeks."  
  
"It lasted eleven days."

Jack sighed down the line. _"I'll pick it all up later."_

"Look, Jack... I don't suppose you've got some kind of, you know, alien invasion on your hands? Need some help? I could come and help."  
 _  
"Sorry, Doc, everything's been kinda quiet recently."_

"Not even a little one?" the Doctor begged. "I don't mind, just a little one... You know, like funny tasting cheese? I'd investigate a funny tasting cheese for you."

 _"There's nothing, Doc."  
_  
"How about paperwork? Got any paperwork that needs doing? I could do it."  
 __  
"Finished it all, sorry."

"How about I identify all the alien stuff you can't work out? Then I'll put them all into your database for you with detailed instructions on how to use them..."

_"I made you do that a few months ago, Doctor, you did them all."_

"Are you bored, then? Do you want to come down here? We've got some board games out. How about Trivial Pursuit?"  
 _  
"You gotta be kidding, I'm not playing that with you, you'll kick my *ss."_

"I'll go easy," the Doctor promised. "I'll answer every other question wrong!"

_"No, Doctor."_

"How about Buckaroo, then?"  
 __  
"My god, you really are bored aren't you?"  
  
"Oh, you guessed," the Doctor replied, a little sarcastically.

 _"I'm sorry,"_  Jack replied, sympathetic.  _"Look, just go for a walk or something okay? And don't drive Donna around the bend."_

"I think she's so far around the bend she's done a full circle and come back," the Doctor replied honestly. "Twice."

Jack laughed.  _"Sorry, I dunno what else to suggest. It's only eight days left, keep going. Sorry, I've gotta go now."_

"Go and do what?" the Doctor asked quickly. "Can I come? I'll be quiet."  
 _  
"Err... You could come if you want to... But that'd make it a threesome."_

"... Oh," the Doctor muttered. "Err, yes, I'll let you get on with that."

Jack laughed again.  _"Bye, Doc, take it easy."_

"Bye," the Doctor muttered, and hung up just as Donna came back in with a plate of food. He moved forward instinctively but she slapped his hand away, annoyed.

"Get your own!" she told him seriously, switching on the TV before settling down on the sofa and flicking through the channels.

The Doctor sighed again, looking out the window. He saw the exact same car that had left just a few minutes previously leave again. He frowned a little, watching it pull away through the net curtain before the sound of the car engine disappeared into nothing.

He looked at Donna, who was staring at the TV. So he got up and went upstairs to the office room, closed the door and looked out of the window at the street below.

* * *

Donna hadn't the foggiest where the Doctor had got to all day, but she was getting to the point where she couldn't care less, frankly. Yes, he was an alien and this was not at  _all_ what he was used to so she knew it wasn't really his fault, but he was becoming  _extremely_ intolerable. He  _was_ her best friend and they technically  _had_ been living together for a while now in the TARDIS but it really just didn't seem to work the same way in a house as it did in the TARDIS.

When she woke up the next morning she yawned and stretched, turning onto her side to grab the pillow and hopefully sink back into a half sleep... When she noticed a figure sitting at the end of her room...

She screamed in shock before the Doctor suddenly revealed himself in the morning light, hands in the air.

"Sorry!" he said quickly. "Only me."

"What the hell are you doing?" Donna wanted to know, drawing up the duvet to cover her nightie, extremely wary of him.

"Sorry, your room has a better view."

"A better view of what?"

"The street."

Donna paused, staring at him. "And why exactly do you need a view of the street?"

"Something's going on, Donna," he told her seriously. "Something's not right with this street. I think it's some kind of alien intervention, a front for some sort of operation..."

"Oh for god's sake," she sighed. "I know you're bored but _really?"_  
  
"Donna..." he began, but she interrupted him.

"Look, if you're gonna insist on sitting in my bedroom staring out the window then go and get me some coffee and I might let you stay here."

The Doctor looked anxious. "But Donna..."

"Get me coffee!" Donna roared, and the Doctor was off in a shot.

Donna spent a few minutes just lying there staring at the ceiling. It was 8 o'clock, and she'd never get to sleep with the Doctor in the room, so she sat up and tried to sort out her bed hair.

Then she noticed he had a pad of paper he'd left open on the desk by the window. Curiosity got the better of her and she slid out of bed grabbing a blanket and wrapping herself in it before moving to the pad and picking it up.

**05:39 – house one light on**

**05:45 – house three light on**

**05:56 – house three car leave**

**06:24 – house two car leave**

**06:31 – house four car leave**

The list went on, all the way to the current time.

Donna stared it, absolutely wide-eyed. She turned to the Doctor as he entered the room again moments later with two mugs in hand.

She lifted up the pad. "You're actually  _spying_ on the neighbours?" she asked in disbelief. "You've seriously got no concept of how to be sociable, have you?"

"Donna, look down the notes, does any of that seem kind of strange to you?" the Doctor insisted, setting down the mugs to move to her.

"It's strange that you're actually writing down the movements of our neighbours!" Donna told him seriously. "You're bloody spying!"

"I'm observing," the Doctor replied, sniffing.

"It's the same thing!" Donna exclaimed. "And it's just really  _weird_ , Doctor!"

"I told you, there's something..."

"Doctor, there really isn't," she interrupted swiftly. "This is just a normal street, with normal people, normal cars and normal lights and we're stuck here for another week and you really need to find something to do that isn't breaking anything or this!" she said in earnest, holding up the pad.

"Donna, please," the Doctor implored. "I know there's something happening with this street, and I just need a few days."

Donna sighed, shoving the pad into his chest. "I'm getting seriously worried about you. Just... try not to go mad, all right? I'm gonna have a shower." And with that, she gathered up some clothes and a towel and left out the door to the bathroom.

The Doctor watched her go for a moment, before dropping back into his observation chair, drawing out his binoculars and watching the street intently.


	4. The Attack of Bilbo

"I'm so worried, Jack," Donna was saying down the phone as she flicked through the TV channels in the afternoon a few days later.

" _Is he still...?"_

"Yeah, he's spying on the neighbours, writing down when lights go on and off and when their cars come and go. He's still sat up there right now with a pair of bloody binoculars, and he's been there all week. Won't even move when I go to bed."

" _Oh."_

"I mean, have you ever seen Disturbia? It's like that! I dunno what to do with him, Jack."

" _You've only got a couple of days left, right? Just stick it out."_

"But I think he's going mad, Jack. I'm getting really worried about him. He really wasn't built for this kind of life."

" _Maybe he's right? You sure there's nothing going on? If anyone can pick up an alien plot, it's him."_

"He's not right, Jack. I've checked it myself, there's nothing weird going on, it's just all in his head."

" _I don't know then, Donna. Look, there really is only a bit left and he'll be back to normal soon enough."_

Donna sighed, blowing out a breath through pursed lips. "Okay, you're right. I'd better go, we're running out of teabags."

" _Crisis!"_  Jack exclaimed, laughing.  _"Okay, talk to you later. Keep an eye on him."_

"Okay, bye Jack," she said, and hung up. She sighed, switched off the TV and got on her coat, moving to the front door.

"Doctor!" she yelled up the stairs. "I'm just gonna go to the shop, all right? Back in twenty minutes!"

"Okay!" came the yell back.

Donna sighed, rolling her eyes, pulled open the front door and left.

* * *

It was 7pm, and the Doctor was still at the window. He was now forty pages into the pad of paper, notes in the margins and scribbled observations down the side, but he was a little hungry. He resigned to leave his observation spot, putting down the binoculars and heading downstairs.

Donna wasn't back yet. The house was quiet and empty, so he made himself a sandwich and a cup of tea and switched on the TV in the living room, dropping onto the sofa. He then ate the sandwich, drank the tea, cleaned up and went back to the sofa. It was 7:30pm, now. Donna had left at 2pm. She should be back by now...

He picked up the phone and dialled the second number on the slip of paper – Donna's mobile. He pressed the call button and waited.

" _Hello?"_

"Donna, it's me," the Doctor said.

" _My god, about time I heard from you. I thought you'd wandered out and got lost."_

"Where are you?"

" _I'm in the house, where are you?"_

The Doctor frowned. "I'm... in the house."

" _Where in the house?"_

"In the living room..."

There was a slight pause.

" _But so am I?"_

The Doctor looked around the room. His frown deepened. There was no one there. "You're not."

" _Yes, I am,"_ Donna insisted.

There was a lengthy pause.

" _Doctor, this better not be one of your weird alien jokes. Come out, now."_

"This isn't a joke," the Doctor muttered. "I'm sitting in the living room on the sofa. The TV's on. Listen."

He held the phone up to the TV for a few moments, then put it back against his ear.

" _... But you can't be!"_

The Doctor swallowed. "Okay, look, something weird's going on here..."

" _You think?"_ Donna yelped.  _"Did you go out and walk back into the wrong house?"_

"I haven't gone outside," the Doctor told her. "Are you in the wrong house?"

" _Don't be a moron, I'm definitely in the right one! My god this is like that horror film I saw once where the guy was calling this girl asking where she was and he turned out to be dead!"_

"Donna, calm down, I'm pretty sure I'm not dead," the Doctor assured her.

" _Then where the hell are you?"_

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair, thinking hard. "Okay, look, stay there, I'm going to look outside..."

" _Be careful all right?"_

"I will. Don't worry."

" _Should I phone Jack?"_

"Not yet, just wait for me, okay? Stay there and don't leave the house."

" _Okay,"_ she muttered, and they both hung up as the Doctor quickly got to his feet and went to the front door.

* * *

He met Alfie in the street. Alfie bounced up to him, smiling.

"Hello!" the boy said happily.

"Hi, Alfie," he replied.

"How are you?" the boy asked politely.

"Fine..." the Doctor said dismissively. "Look, have you noticed anything weird about this place recently?"

"What d'you mean?" Alfie wondered.

"Well..." He paused, regarding the boy. "Something strange, you know, like lights in the sky... Or... someone strange moved in recently..."

"You did," Alfie pointed out.

"No, not me," the Doctor replied, still smiling. "Err, look, I'm going to be straight with you, Alfie, there is something really strange about this street."

"But it's a nice street," Alfie said quietly.

"It's a lovely street," the Doctor assured him. "It's just... have you ever noticed how things repeat themselves?"

Alfie looked at him quizzically.

"I mean... I was looking out the window earlier, and you know the house opposite..." He gestured vaguely with a thumb.

"Mrs Bowman?" Alfie wondered.

"Yeah, her, well I was watching earlier, and I saw the car pull out at quarter to 11. Then I got distracted, I looked out again at ten to eleven and I saw the car leave again. Which is possible, but I've seen that happen at least forty times down every single house on this street..."

Alfie stared at him.

"And... I've never seen anyone else on this street. Only you. I see the cars leave and the house lights go on and off... But you are the only person I've actually seen."

He stopped, regarding the boy, who was looking at the Doctor like he was a complete nutter. "You're being weird."

"It's a serious question, Alfie," the Doctor insisted. "Can you name all the people who live on this street?"

"Of course," Alfie replied, getting a little irritated now as he pointed to each house in turn, saying the names. "Mrs Bowman lives there, Mr and Mrs Khan there, the Leymans, the Smiths, the Johnstons, the Jones', Mrs King and on the end there's Mr Chang."

"So... what does Mrs Bowman look like?" the Doctor asked slowly.

"Like Mrs Bowman," Alfie replied indignantly.

"What colour's her hair?" the Doctor persisted. "How old is she?"

But before Alfie had a chance to reply to there suddenly came a strange rumbling sound from behind the Doctor. Like a stomach rumbling, or a car engine starting... or an animal. Alfie stopped looking at the Doctor, and instead his eyes moved to the thing behind the Doctor with his jaw agape, eyes widening...

The Doctor turned, and instantly met with the sight of a horrifically deformed creature. It had short dark fur, wet-looking on one side, with an exacerbated bony frame poking out through the skin. It was hugely malformed, walking on mismatched legs with large sharp teeth and sharp claws to match. Its bright red eyes connected with the Doctor, its unsymmetrical and torn ears pricking up slightly...

And then it went for him.

The Doctor dived out of the way instantly, grabbing Alfie and dragging him down to the ground as the creature leapt over them both and landed on the other side. As it turned for another go the Doctor and Alfie were already running into Alfie's house, slamming the door shut behind them and barricading it with the coat stand and a table.

There wasn't any time for conversation as there was a massive thump against the door, the entire door jolting in its frame. Alfie instinctively grabbed onto the Time Lord's arm for reassurance.

"Where's the back door?" the Doctor asked him quickly.

"This way," Alfie said quickly, pulling him through the hall and into a living room, glass doors at the back... which smashed inwards the second they looked at them as the creature dived straight through as though the glass were paper...

"Upstairs!" the Doctor yelled, pushing the boy in front of him back the way they'd came, through the hall and towards the stairs. The Doctor glanced over his shoulder just in time to see the creature launch at him, and the next thing he knew he was on the floor with the creature on top of him...

"Doctor!" Alfie yelled from up the stairs.

"Run, Alfie!" the Doctor yelled, struggling to dodge the creatures jaws as they snapped around his face. He tried to throw the creature off, but it had him completely pinned down...

He struggled to get to his sonic screwdriver, managing to worm his hand into his inside jacket pocket and pulling it out, trying desperately to alter the setting...

He felt a sudden searing pain to his shoulder. He yelled in pain but it forged him onwards, managing to get to the right setting and extend the sonic to full length, and pressed the button.

The creature shrieked and fell off him as though it had been shot. The Doctor scrambled to his feet and run full pelt up the stairs, taking it three steps at the time. He found Alfie standing in the hall, looking beyond terrified and even more so when he looked at the Doctor's shoulder.

The Doctor didn't bother looking at the damage yet. He grabbed Alfie's arm and run into the nearest door of a bedroom, slamming it closed. He groaned and gasped as he grabbed the bedside table in both arms, ignoring the pain as he pulled it in front of the door.

He panted and grunted, leaning against the wall for a moment, trying to compose himself.

"Did you kill it?" Alfie asked, breathing heavily through fear.

"No," the Doctor gasped, checking his shoulder. It was bleeding, but he didn't have time to worry about that. "Just stunned. We need to get out of here."

He turned to regard the new room for options to take. It was a very tidy room with a double bed in and a few wardrobes, a large window at the end. The door they had come through was the only one.

"What was that?" Alfie gasped.

"I don't know," the Doctor admitted.

"It looked like my dog," Alfie told him.

"... Your dog?" the Doctor repeated frowning.

"My dog, Bilbo," Alfie explained. "He got hit by a car and he looked a bit like that."

The Doctor acknowledged this with a nod. "Well don't worry, Alfie, I'm good at this kind of stuff. I'll have us both out before you can say rhubarb crumble."

"Rhubarb crumble," Alfie said instantly.

The Doctor just grinned at that.

"So what do we do?" Alfie asked anxiously.

"Window," the Doctor grunted, clambering over the bed to get to the window, checking it. "If we can make some kind of makeshift rope..."

The door jolted in its frame again as something heavy slammed against it, the gnashing of jaws and growls on the other side.

"Bilbo's back," the Doctor acknowledged, moving to the wardrobe and checking through – but there were absolutely no clothes anywhere. He frowned, looking up at Alfie. "Does anyone use this room?"

"My Dad," Alfie told him.

The Doctor thought about this for a moment, before a thought occurred to him. "Alfie... Where is your Dad?"

"He's around somewhere," Alfie told him, nonchalant.

The Doctor's frowned deepened, about to question Alfie on this when the door jumped again in its frame.

"We're gonna die, aren't we," Alfie muttered, somehow completely resigned to that concept.

"No, we're not," the Doctor assured him, deciding on a new plan as he grabbed a couple of pillows from the bed, still trying to completely ignore his shoulder. He moved back to the windows and threw the pillows directly underneath on the drive, before he beckoned Alfie.

"It's just a little drop, I'll lower you as far as I..."

He trailed off as he looked back out at the dark street, and realised that suddenly in the blink of an eye the entire street was completely filled with hundreds of copies of the same creature that was crashing against the door, and in the split second that followed the door finally broke apart and suddenly there was Bilbo, standing there blocking the only escape route, growling and barking and utterly rabid...


	5. You Bad Dog!

"Bilbo!" the Doctor suddenly yelled, pointing at the creature who stopped dead in his tracks. "Sit!"

The creature stared at him for a moment, before he obediently sat.

"You bad dog!" the Doctor continued as Alfie watched, stunned. "Bad dog, Bilbo! I am very angry with you!"

The creature whined, looking at the floor.

"Out, Bilbo!" the Doctor yelled. "Go to your basket!"

The creature whined again, and just like that he turned and walked out of the door, tail between his legs.

Alfie looked at the Doctor, astounded. "How did you make it do that?"

The Doctor grinned, looking back at Alfie. "I think I know what's going on here, now."

"Really? What?" Alfie asked.

"No time to explain, we need to get off of this street first."

"But still there's hundreds of them," Alfie told him, looking out the window.

"Oh, that's not a problem," the Doctor assured the boy. "Because you know what we're gonna do? We are going to walk out of that front door and through the crowd of Bilbos straight out the other side without so much as a scratch."

"What?"

"They're not interested in us. We're nothing to them. We can walk out of that door and walk down the road and they're not going to be interested in us whatsoever."

"But Bilbo just tried to kill us and bit you," Alfie pointed out.

"Oh, he attacked because he was scared," the Doctor assured Alfie. "He wouldn't have killed us. We'll be perfectly safe walking out. Ready?" He reached out his hand, and slipped it into Alfie's.

"You're mad," Alfie told him seriously, clinging onto the Doctor's hand with both of his hands as they made their way down the stairs to the front door. Bilbo was in the hallway, contentedly licking his bum.

Without answering yet, the Doctor shifted the barricade and took hold of the handle. He looked at Alfie, and grinned a very wide grin indeed. "Well, I am quite mad I'll admit... but I'm mad and clever. Better to be mad and clever than to be mad and stupid, right, Alfie?"

Alfie laughed at that, still clinging onto his hand tightly. Then the Doctor pulled down the handle, and together they stepped out into the street.

Woodcutter Road was absolutely filled with Bilbo clones as far as they could see, and every single one of them were staring at the Doctor and Alfie. It was eerily silent.

With no hesitation the Doctor guided Alfie up the front garden path, the both of them walking through the crowd of deformed dogs, the Doctor pushing them gently out of the way with his legs. Eventually they began to move out of the way of the Doctor and Alfie as they moved through.

They made it through the front gate, and continued down the pavement towards the end of the road. Around them the Bilbos were beginning to bark happily, and Alfie even saw one chasing his own tail. He laughed at the fact he had been scared, letting go of the Doctor's hand a little.

Very quickly the thick wave of Bilbos seemed to thin out, leaving the Doctor and Alfie free to walk the last ten metres to the end of the road.

They emerged out onto the street, Marks and Spencer directly opposite. The Doctor looked at all the people milling around outside, and although he hadn't noticed that they'd even disappeared, the birds were once again tweeting happily. A car rolled by, and a cat jumped into a nearby bush. It was a warm Sunday afternoon in Cardiff on planet Earth, when it had been a Tuesday night just seconds previously.

He laughed, and looked at Alfie who was looking back at the road they had come through. The Doctor looked too, finding all of the Bilbos had completely disappeared, and there were people outside their houses cleaning the car or tidying their front gardens who had definitely not been there before.

"What did you..." Alfie began, frowning slightly. "How did... What was..."

His brow furrowed, and the Doctor saw it coming before it happened. With a squeak Alfie's eyes closed and he collapsed in a dead faint into the Doctor's waiting arms.

The Doctor winced at the pain in his shoulder with the movement. He still had the bite, which surprised him a little. He gathered the boy up in his arms and turned back to the street, setting off back to his and Donna's house.

"Jack's on his way," Donna told the Doctor twenty minutes later as he sat on the sofa in the living room, holding a bloody towel to his shoulder with Alfie lying on the other sofa covered with a blanket. "You need another towel?"

"No, thanks," the Doctor told her, checking his wound under the towel. It wasn't too bad, the blood made it look worse.

"So you were bitten by a dog?" Donna asked, still very confused and trying to get her head around the technical jargon the Doctor had told her five minutes previously.

"A dead dog reincarnated by Alfie," the Doctor corrected.

"This was all Alfie? The whole street?"

"It wasn't his fault," the Doctor insisted. "I don't think he knew what he was doing. He was unhappy with the life he had, so in his mind he created his own little world, which somehow was amplified into an entire street. We somehow accidentally stumbled into that world and to be honest, we messed things up a bit. When we were in the living room and couldn't see each other, we were in two separate realities. When you went shopping you left Alfie's mind and returned to reality while I stayed in Alfie's mind. The times Jack came up he was shelled from the reality change by the devices in the SUV."

"So Alfie made a world where no one existed?" Donna asked, frowning.

The Doctor nodded. "You know how in a dream you dream about a person and you know who they are and that they're there, though you never see them or imagine their face properly? He was doing that with the entire street. His subconscious thought the cars should come and go when he looked and that the lights should go on and off, so he assumed they were there, but no one else actually existed. He never would've questioned it. He always assumed his Dad was around somewhere as well when in fact there was no one else."

"And the dead dog?"

"A nightmare. When I started questioning Alfie about what was going on he started panicking and the fear brought back the memory of seeing his dead dog Bilbo and made it solid. The fear got more and more as he feared for his life and created a million Bilbos. I managed to use that to our advantage by convincing Alfie they weren't going to hurt us so he wouldn't imagine them attacking us."

"How could a boy do all that?" Donna said, looking at Alfie still sleeping on the sofa. "And he's all right, yeah?"

"Fine," the Doctor told her. "The shock of leaving his world and re-entering reality caused a misfire in his brain and he collapsed. He'll be awake in about ten minutes no worse for wear. And I think..."

The Doctor trailed off, and moved forward to Alfie. He ran a finger around his neck, catching it on a silver chain and pulling out a blank silver circular pendant.

"Bio-damper," the Doctor muttered. "Someone wanted to hide him. No wonder I couldn't sense him..."

He pulled the pendant over the boy's hand, and instantly he realised what Alfie really was. Just to confirm he reached up to check Alfie's eye pigment, and eventually nodded, satisfied.

"Gerixian."

"He's an alien?" Donna asked. "So that's how he could do all that weird mind stuff?"

The Doctor nodded. "Gerixians are highly telepathic and extremely sensitive to feelings. I was right. He can't control his abilities at this age; he's just a baby in Gerixian society. This is a bit extreme, though. Creating an entire street? There must've been a strong feeling to cause that..."

Then he stopped, staring at the wall for a moment.

"What?" Donna wanted to know.

"I think I need a word with his Dad," the Doctor said seriously.

"What is it?"

"Alfie would have had to have an extremely unhappy home life to create that. Maybe with a not so loving parent... And have you noticed? There's not even any posters anywhere. Alfie's probably been gone for at least a month, living in his made-up world. If you were his Dad wouldn't you be tearing the world apart to find him?"

Donna nodded slowly, realising what he was implying as she looked at Alfie still fast asleep on the sofa. "You go and kick his ass, I'll be backup."


	6. All's Well That Ends Well

The Doctor rang the doorbell of the neighbour's house five minutes later, jaw set. He was ready for a fight.

The door opened to reveal a short black-haired man, seemingly incredibly annoyed at the Doctor for just being at his door.

"What?" he asked thinly.

"Hello!" the Doctor began cheerily. "I think I may have found your son... Has he been missing?"

"Yeah, about two months since I saw him." He didn't seem to care about that. "Who have you found?"

"He's named Alfie, about 10-years-old, red hair, brown eyes..."

"Yeah," the man grunted, not all at sounding interested. "That's him."

"If you'd like to come next door," the Doctor said, gesturing to his own house. "He's in there fast asleep at the moment."

"Oh, send him over when he wakes up then," the man said, and made to shut the door.

The Doctor frowned, and reached out instantly to stop the door closing. "Sorry, maybe I'm reading you wrong here... But you sound very nonchalant for a man whose son has just returned after disappearing for two months."

"Get your nose out of my business," the man said angrily, making to close the door again.

The Doctor stopped it again. "Sorry, can't help it, got an exceptionally large nose I like sticking into other people's business when it's obvious there's something very wrong with their business."

"Who the hell are you, anyway?" the man challenged.

"I'm the Doctor, what's your name?"

"The Doctor, what kind of name is that?" the man spat.

"It's my name," the Doctor replied, as calm as ever.

"Are you the police?"

"Well if I was with the police wouldn't I be called the Policeman?"

"You're very annoying."

"Yes, I am," the Doctor agreed. "What's your name?"

"Damien, what of it?"

The Doctor winced and pursed his lips to consider this. "How extremely appropriate."

"What the hell are you trying to say? Do you want a fight?" Damien challenged seriously.

"Oh, put a sock in it," came a new voice from behind the Doctor, and the Time Lord turned to find Donna striding towards them both down the garden path. "Who the  _bloody_ hell do you think you are, treating your son like that?"

"I don't remember asking your opinion on how I raise my son!" Damien grated.

"Alfie is a really sweet boy and you're trampling all over him! You are a streak of poo on the bottom of the shoe of humanity, mate, if I wasn't nice I bloody punch you in the face right now!"

Damien laughed. "As if!"

"Believe me, she  _will_  punch you at some point in the next ten minutes," the Doctor assured him in an overstated undertone.

"This is harassment! If you don't leave I'm calling the police!" Damien suddenly shouted, his face turning red.

"Hmm, let's see," Donna began sarcastically, weighing the imaginary options up in her hands. "Minor harassment, child abuse and neglect! Minor harassment, child abuse and neglect! Minor harassment, child abuse and neglect! Which one'll they go for, I wonder? Doctor?"

The Doctor grinned at her. "Not sure Donna, shall we phone them and ask?"

Damien stood their, nostrils flaring. "Alfie is my son, I have never harmed him!"

"Why don't you start treating him as a person, then?" the Doctor said sharply, staring straight into Damien eyes.

"He's not normal," Damien said, suddenly defensive. "You wouldn't understand!"

"Try me."

"You won't believe me."

"Well then, let me hazard a guess. His mother was an alien, a Gerixian from the Yugular system. Am I heading in the right direction?"

"How do you..."

"Been there a few times. Now give me one good reason why you're neglecting your son."

"His mum just upped and left one day when he was a baby. I never saw her again. She just left me with this alien boy I knew nothing about..."

"So your response to that was to completely ignore him?" the Doctor spat. "He is part Gerixian, that means he's highly telepathic and extremely sensitive. He was so unhappy in your care that he quite literally created a make-believe world for himself where he felt safe. A world where he was alone. Away from you, and away from all people. If you can't start taking care of him then I'm going to take him away from you and find his mother, and if I can't find her I will take him to someone who will actually take care of him."

Damien stared at the Doctor. "So you're going to fly to Gerix in your little spaceship?" he said, laughing.

"You bet I am," the Doctor grated. Damien's cynical expression fell. "You're the most selfish man I've ever met, and believe me, I've been all over the Universe. You don't seem to care that he'd disappeared for two months. You are sick. This is abuse, and Alfie deserves a lot better than you."

"You can't take Alfie away from me," Damien challenged. "He's my son."

"Just call me intergalactic social services," the Doctor responded gratingly. "I won't bother bringing him to say good bye."

Damien just stared, utterly speechless.

The Doctor broadened a smile. "Well, I think we're done here, Donna. We're taking Alfie back to Gerix."

"Good!" Donna said happily.

"I'll kick your ass, dickhead!" Damien yelled, and made to punch the Doctor.

The Doctor evaded with ease and raised an eyebrow at him. "Really?" he wondered. "What are you fighting for, exactly? You don't even want Alfie. We'll take him to a place he can be happy and you don't have to think about him ever again. We all win."

"Get out of my face!" Damien yelled, and made to slam the door again. But it was Donna that stopped it this time, and in three seconds she swiftly raised an arm and punched him in the face. Damien yelped and collapsed backwards onto the floor.

"Told you," the Doctor said to the man lying on the floor. "Now, I wouldn't normally approve, but I'll let that one go. Donna?"

He held out his arm to Donna, who linked her arm in his and smiled happily as they both strode off down the path and back to their house.

"I feel bad," Donna admitted.

"Don't be, I quite liked that punch," the Doctor assured her as they reached the front door of their house.

"No, not that. It's just people like him. They bloody ruin humanity. You must think we're all heartless," she said as they went through the door.

"Nah... I think you're mostly harmless," the Doctor told her with a grin, closing the door behind them.

Donna laughed at that as they strode into the living room, were Alfie was sitting up rubbing his head. He saw the Doctor and Donna, and smiled happily at the sight of them both.

"What happened?" he wanted to know.

"Oooh, got a good story to tell you I think you might like the end of," the Doctor told him, sitting down on the sofa next to him. "Let's get some tea first though, eh?"

* * *

Jack picked them up and drove them back to Torchwood, where the TARDIS was just about to finish repairs. The Doctor filled Jack in on the goings on and finished just in time for the TARDIS to unlock.

The Doctor, Donna and Alfie all bidded farewell to Jack and the Torchwood team, before the Doctor flew straight to Gerix. Within four hours they had tracked down Alfie's mother, who was beyond overjoyed to see him, smothering Alfie  _and_ the Doctor and Donna in kisses and hugs.

When they finally sat down and Alfie was off looking at his new room, the Doctor explained all that had gone on.

"Thank you so much," she told the Doctor and Donna. "I missed him so badly. I knew Damien wouldn't take me leaving well."

"Why did you leave?" Donna asked.

"The War," Alfie's mother told them. "I had to fight to defend my planet, and I didn't want to tell Damien I might never return; he was already beginning to lose interest in me. After the War ended I found myself with no money and permanent paralysis to my legs. I could not travel, and I could not contact them."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Donna said gently, taking the Gerix woman's hand in comfort.

"It does not matter," she told Donna, smiling. "You've brought Alfie back to me, and that is all I ever wanted. Thank you, both of you."

"You're welcome," the Doctor said.

"Oh, I will need to buy him lots of toys!" she realised, laughing.

"A lot," the Doctor confirmed, thinking for a moment. "Hold on." He dug into his pocket and brought out a slim white stick etched with alien markings, holding it to her. "Here's a little something to get you started."

Alfie's mother stared at it in utter shock, not taking it. "This... This is a Million Gredit Bar! I couldn't possibly..."

"Please," the Doctor insisted. "This has been in my pocket for about 300 years, I'll never use it. And I'll be insulted if you don't take it."

She looked at him. "Are you sure?"

"Very sure," the Doctor said, placing it in her open palm. "You take good care of Alfie."

"I will," she assured him, her eyes shining. "You are welcome back at any time, I'm sure Alfie would love to see you."

They both nodded happily in return, bidded their good byes to both Alfie and his mother, and left to the TARDIS.

* * *

"Looks like there  _was_ something going on in the street," Donna finally admitted to him. "Sorry I didn't believe you, but you know, you were being a  _bit_  bonkers."

The Doctor shrugged it off, fiddling with the TARDIS controls. "Doesn't matter. I think I was going a bit mad anyway."

"Human life not for you, then, alien boy?" Donna asked, laughing.

"Nope," the Doctor replied, grinning back as he twiddled a dial. "I never want to do that again, thanks. I'm happy with my alien ship, and my alien life and my own little alien ways. If you turn on the vidbox I'll make us some kronkburgers on the heat flare."

Donna looked at him for a moment. "You do realise that a vidbox is a TV and a heat flare is a cooker?" she pointed out.

The Doctor stopped moving and looked at her, a little winded. "Don't... just... don't."

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was random.


End file.
